the heart of your role
Many parents worry about how to practice with their child. Here’s some helpful action steps.
How do I practice with my young violinist, when I don’t play myself?
If you’re like many parents, you worry that you won’t do the right things when helping your child practice.
You might be worried that you don’t have enough experience in music, or that you don’t understand how to help because the instrument itself is complicated. If you find yourself in this position, take heart!
Just remember:
The heart of your role as the practice parent is to provide your presence.
Be Present (In a Way That Fits)
Think of practicing as watching a flower bloom. You can't force it. Yes, it needs water, and perhaps a trimming from time to time. But other than that, you just stand back and enjoy it.
This can be extremely hard to do!
Especially for us type-A personalities. We want to cut to the chase, to identify problems efficiently and solve them. We think that we are being helpful by trying to do things, and to fix whatever is wrong.
But even with the best of intentions, when we are over-present, critiquing every wrong note, or hovering too close, we can squelch a child's internal motivation. Sometimes we can be very counter-productive to what the teacher is trying to accomplish, for example by introducing a technique too soon, or confusing the child with our own competing information.
You can prevent that de-motivation and confusion by taking a step back.
All about the heart
Presence is hard to define exactly. It's all about the heart. Where your heart is, there will your presence be. It's the art of being rather than doing.
It has to do with awareness and attentiveness. It is giving the child enough attention for them to know what they are doing matters, and that you care enough to listen to it and provide feedback, but not robbing them of their ownership of the action, including discovering and correcting their own mistakes.
If your child wants you right there in the practice room, do that. But often you'll find that children do not want that level of "hovering" over their practicing. When you have to multi-task (how can we survive as parents without multi-tasking?), you can "send in" a comment from the next room, such as "that's sounding great!" or "keep going!"
The right level of attention
Being aware of the level of attention our children need is hard. The good news is, you probably have a natural instinct for it with your own child, better than anyone else. Use your intuitive sense here, to craft the right kind of presence that your child uniquely needs.
Some children will want to be very hands-off. However, you should never check out completely. You should form an agreement with your child that you expect them to play for you, when you are in the room, occasionally and as a check-in.
When you are in the room, don’t criticize. Instead, try some of the action steps below.
ACTION steps
In your next week of practicing together, try these steps:
Ask, don’t tell. Make it about mutual discovery.
Ask about what is on their practice chart, or in their notes from the lesson.
When multi-tasking, stay nearby.
If your child is upset or frustrated, just ask curiously about what it is that is bothering them. Resist the urge to state what you think it is. Let them discover it on their own.
Ask yourself, at what time of day am I most able to be present? When can I have my heart and mind most available to my child during his or her practicing, without succumbing to criticism or nit-picking?
Remember, just be with them, and it will unfold naturally.
Be present in way that fits your child. Let yourself enjoy simply being in the presence of your child, and your child's practicing will truly flower.